Rough Start

This might be a beautiful journey I'm on, but the first couple days are not pretty.

Of course I had to begin my diet when my baby girl is getting 4 teeth in at once and therefore nursing crazy amounts for comfort. I'm supposed to go 2-3 hours between eating but could barely make it 2 hours I was so hungry. It's much different this time around, doing this while I am nursing. It's a pretty accurate picture of the struggle to balance me as a woman vs. me as a mother. These past 5 years, the scales have been leaning more towards me as a mother, which is ok. My kiddos are young. They won't always be so dependent and needy and as they make their way into the world, away from me, I will miss these days. But right now, I do feel that losing this weight is important. So I am grateful to have a health coach to call on to help me figure this out. (There are some snacks I can have on this diet... handful of almonds, pickles, black olives, Tbsp of peanut butter, etc. Sometimes my baby girl is going to nurse more and I'm going to need something to tide me over til my next meal).

Day 1 was rough trying to figure all this out and feeling so hungry and tired (part of it I'm sure DETOX from all the junk I've been feeding my body). Which led to day 2 migraine, complete with not being able to stomach changing my daughter's dirty diaper and not making it to the bathroom to throw up. Yep, all over the living room floor. My son was behind me and stopped in his tracks. (he'll be talking about this for a good long time). I turned to him and said, "guess I didn't make it to the toilet, did I?" "Nope," he said. Then I ran into the bathroom to finish the job (this time in the toilet). While I'm puking, I hear my son in the living room coughing and I'm thinking, oh great, he's throwing up too? I call (weakly) to him, "are you ok?
"Yes, Mommy. I guess both of us are throwing up." Which gets me out of the bathroom pretty quick. Where is my 20 month old? I have terrible thoughts of her walking through (slipping on) my throw up all over the living room floor as well as many other things she could be doing involving my throw up that I will leave to the imagination. Luckily my son was smart enough to shut her behind the gate so she couldn't get into the living room (what a brilliant quick-thinking son I have). And no, my son wasn't really throwing up but just pretending to, thank God.

At this point, I'm on my knees, cleaning up puke, lightheaded, my migraine pounding me, two children dependent on me, and my husband out of town all day on business. I can't stomach the medifast food, just smelling it makes me heave. And at this point, (yep, day 2) I am DONE with this diet. I can't live like this and care for two small children. Day 2 and I'm off the diet. My mom comes to save the day and  I crawl to bed. When I can eat, I nibble on toast and  manage some spoonfuls of applesauce. My husband is able to come home an hour early and takes the kids to the park and out to dinner so I can rest. And after 12 hours, my migraine subsides, and exhausted but pain-free, I decide, ok, tomorrow I will try again.

And today has been much better. When I can't make it to 3 hours because of nursing, I have a Tbsp of peanut butter or chew gum or have some almonds and remember to keep up my water intake (goal is to drink 64 oz/day). I'm less hungry today than I was day 1. Tonight, as day 3 is winding down, I'm more tired than usual and so listening to my body and taking it easy. I'm just glad to have started; to be 3 days in now.

It is a relief to have begun.

So I keep moving forward, one meal at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time. Apologies to my children for having to endure a grumpy, irritable, and puking Momma days 1 and 2 (they're so forgiving). And much gratitude to my mom and husband for caring for the kids when I was unable and to my health coach for keeping me on this path and helping me figure out how to best continue this while nursing my little one. (The woman me vs. mommy me balancing act.)

So here I am... starting weight 203. Goal is to lose 50 lbs. It has begun.

My "before" picture