Showing Up In My Bathing Suit

I'm standing in nothing but my bathing suit. Eighteen 5 year olds are pointing and laughing at me. The moms are, of course, beauty queens in their bathing suits. The dads can't meet my eyes. Did I just wake from a nightmare? No, I'm just imagining my son's field trip to the pool tomorrow. Why did I volunteer to chaperon anything that requires a bathing suit???

Because this is not about me. Or my weight. Because my son asked me to go. Because I want to love my son more than my fears that I am unlovable at this weight.

My son doesn't need me to be skinny. He needs me to be healthy. He needs me to be involved in his life (even when it requires a bathing suit!) He needs me to be seen and not hidden; he needs me to be present and not distracted by my insecurities. He needs me to be attentive to him and his friends and not comparing myself with the beauty queen moms.

So tomorrow I show up in my black polka dot bathing suit and I forget myself. I laugh and play and I might even yell out "cannon ball!" before I hit the water.