I have lost a total of 14 pounds since beginning Take Shape for Life two months ago. It's been so rewarding seeing the numbers drop on the scale. But November was not a good weight loss month. It's been over a month since I've posted, which I'm sure speaks volumes...
October I lost 10 pounds. November I only lost 4.
It's very easy to say that this is just a difficult time of year to lose weight, what with the holidays and all. But seriously, when is it an easy time of year to lose weight? Losing a significant amount of weight is just hard, no matter the season. And obviously I haven't been making good food choices and haven't been sticking to the diet. If I was, I would be having better results.
The problem is, I haven't been doing this for myself. I've been doing this for someone else. Someone who isn't even born (yet?) Someone who may never be born. A dream that I don't know will ever come true. Truth is, my "silent" goal has been to lose weight and be at a healthier weight in the hopes of becoming pregnant again. I lost 30 pounds in the months before I became pregnant with my second child. This time, my husband and I are not on the same page. He is ready to be done at two. And his concerns and his points of view are extremely logical and legit. That doesn't change the fact that when I think about not being pregnant again and not having any more kids, I feel deeply sad. Which, I know, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm supposed to have more kids. I don't live out of a philosophy that I should get what I want, when I want it because it makes me happy (or not sad). I am called to holiness, not necessarily happiness.
And yet, I am happy. I am blessed. I have two amazing children. I adore them and am so grateful to be their mom. At the same time, I was created as a complex being (i.e. woman). I can be blessed and want more. I can have and have not. I can be content and filled with longing. All at the same time.
I have several friends who are pregnant right now: one with her first, one with her third, one with her sixth. I also have several friends who are unable to have kids due to physical issues or circumstances that keep them from having the family they are longing for. I celebrate with my pregnant friends and hurt with my friends struggling with infertility and I find myself someplace in the middle.
It's ok for me to be sad. To be grieving. To be struggling with this. There are others in a season of heavier burdens. Others carrying lighter loads. We all have our own weight to carry. And at the same time, we are to bear one another's burdens. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I can't rejoice with you or weep with you, if I'm not allowed to fully experience my own joy and sorrow. I will not be able to truly offer the kind of celebration or comfort that helps all of us feel not so alone, in both our blessings and our suffering. If I just scold myself to "just be grateful for what you have" that will only lead to shame and guilt and doesn't help me come to a greater place of healing and freedom. The same healing and freedom that enables us to be there for one another.
So I am sad but hopeful. I don't know how many children God wants us to have. Does He have a specific will for our family regarding that? Will He change my husband's heart? My heart? Hopefully, continually, both of our hearts, to love one another above ourselves (yikes, I so fail at that!) and seek to understand each other in our differing desires. To let go or to hold on to this desire in my heart.
But I wonder if this is affecting my weight loss this last month. And I wonder why I'm not able to do this just for myself?
It feels so good to have written this. As if weight has been lifted, just in writing. I need to keep writing. No matter how my weight loss journey is going.
So I begin a new month. My third month.
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