Last supper

5 days until I begin my diet and I'm afraid my mindset has been on all the things I won't be able to have beginning next week (dairy, soda, fruit, popcorn, pumpkin bread, donuts, chai lattes, etc). Karyn (my health coach/ friend) tells me that it's not about what I can't have but what I am adding to my life : nutrition, energy, health, etc. Maybe I will get there but right now I'm in the glass half empty mentality.

Today I catch myself thinking, we have to go to the pumpkin patch before next week so I can have a donut and apple cider (for the kids of course!). And suddenly our house smells like a bakery and I'm making pumpkin chocolate cookies and cranberry breads. How can I go without these Fall delights?!? It's as if I'm preparing for my last meal and am about to go down to the gas chambers. Or my last supper and I'm about to be hung on a cross. I realize it's a bit ridiculous when I state it that way but I think it only reveals how much power this food has over me and how much I have been relying on them to change my mood or lessen my stress or stuff down some pain. Has it become an addiction? I've been trying to go off soda and fast food now for how long? And I keep going back to it - even though I know it's bad for me and only leads to weight gain. Perhaps it's become a habit. Perhaps it's became a dependence for a quick feel good. All will be revealed very quickly next week when I am without these things.

It's quite shameful actually. With all the hunger in the world today and I'm whining over not being able to eat sweets. I could use some dying to my self and some death to the excess. I could use some space for hunger and emptiness in my life. And I could use some self-kindness in the ways I choose to eat these last days.