Showing Up In My Bathing Suit

I'm standing in nothing but my bathing suit. Eighteen 5 year olds are pointing and laughing at me. The moms are, of course, beauty queens in their bathing suits. The dads can't meet my eyes. Did I just wake from a nightmare? No, I'm just imagining my son's field trip to the pool tomorrow. Why did I volunteer to chaperon anything that requires a bathing suit???

Because this is not about me. Or my weight. Because my son asked me to go. Because I want to love my son more than my fears that I am unlovable at this weight.

My son doesn't need me to be skinny. He needs me to be healthy. He needs me to be involved in his life (even when it requires a bathing suit!) He needs me to be seen and not hidden; he needs me to be present and not distracted by my insecurities. He needs me to be attentive to him and his friends and not comparing myself with the beauty queen moms.

So tomorrow I show up in my black polka dot bathing suit and I forget myself. I laugh and play and I might even yell out "cannon ball!" before I hit the water.

Turning Point (hopefully)

I'm dancing around the same numbers on the scale these weeks. And I have my own (poor) choices to blame. It is not working for me to try to lose this weight for something that may or may not happen in the future. Especially something so emotionally laden. We are not trying for another baby right now because I am not at a healthy weight. (At least that's what I tell myself. This makes me feel like I am in control; something I like very much. But lurking in the back of my mind is the fear - what if I lose the weight, and still no baby? Who knew there would be so many psychological barriers to losing weight? I want to lose weight, right? Yes, of course. And no. Not if it means I have to face the grief of not having any more babies growing in my belly.

I recently bought Chasing Silhouettes by Emily Wierenga. It is the story of Emily's battle with an eating disorder and advice on how to help a loved one battling the disease. I read the book for (at least) two reasons: One, as a mental health professional, I work with girls and women struggling with eating disorders.

Two, it's a part of my own story.

I relate to Emily as a writer, a mother, a woman, a believer, a daughter and an eating disorder survivor (ongoing). Emily writes about being able to eat more healthy when she was pregnant. She found it easier to justify eating with a baby inside her. She writes, "As a former anorexic walking in renewal, I would highly recommend eating as though there were a child living inside you, until you're able to love yourself enough to eat for you..."

I also eat so much more healthy when I am pregnant or trying to conceive. But it's not working for me to stay motivated in this current weight loss journey by focusing on a future pregnancy that may or may not ever happen. It struck me when Emily went on to say that there are people in her life who rely on her to be healthy. Yes! As a mom and a wife, my family needs me to be healthy, right now, this very night in the choices I make.  

I remember working with a therapist when I was in the throes of my eating disorder and she said something that became a turning point for me. It was quite simple and quite profound all at the same time. She said, "You will let go of your eating disorder when you allow other things to become more important."

What am I allowing to be more important than my health and my family? Will I let go of control and fear enough to allow for more trust, more obedience, more healing? Will I allow this again to be a turning point? 

I can choose to be healthy right now. For my family. And for my future. 

A not so good month

I have lost a total of 14 pounds since beginning Take Shape for Life two months ago. It's been so rewarding seeing the numbers drop on the scale. But November was not a good weight loss month. It's been over a month since I've posted, which I'm sure speaks volumes...

October I lost 10 pounds. November I only lost 4.

It's very easy to say that this is just a difficult time of year to lose weight, what with the holidays and all. But seriously, when is it an easy time of year to lose weight? Losing a significant amount of weight is just hard, no matter the season. And obviously I haven't been making good food choices and haven't been sticking to the diet. If I was, I would be having better results.

The problem is, I haven't been doing this for myself. I've been doing this for someone else. Someone who isn't even born (yet?) Someone who may never be born. A dream that I don't know will ever come true. Truth is, my "silent" goal has been to lose weight and be at a healthier weight in the hopes of becoming pregnant again. I lost 30 pounds in the months before I became pregnant with my second child. This time, my husband and I are not on the same page. He is ready to be done at two. And his concerns and his points of view are extremely logical and legit. That doesn't change the fact that when I think about not being pregnant again and not having any more kids, I feel deeply sad. Which, I know, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm supposed to have more kids. I don't live out of a philosophy that I should get what I want, when I want it because it makes me happy (or not sad). I am called to holiness, not necessarily happiness.

And yet, I am happy. I am blessed. I have two amazing children. I adore them and am so grateful to be their mom. At the same time, I was created as a complex being (i.e. woman). I can be blessed and want more. I can have and have not. I can be content and filled with longing. All at the same time.

I have several friends who are pregnant right now: one with her first, one with her third, one with her sixth. I also have several friends who are unable to have kids due to physical issues or circumstances that keep them from having the family they are longing for. I celebrate with my pregnant friends and hurt with my friends struggling with infertility and I find myself someplace in the middle.

It's ok for me to be sad. To be grieving. To be struggling with this. There are others in a season of heavier burdens. Others carrying lighter loads. We all have our own weight to carry. And at the same time, we are to bear one another's burdens. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I can't rejoice with you or weep with you, if I'm not allowed to fully experience my own joy and sorrow. I will not be able to truly offer the kind of celebration or comfort that helps all of us feel not so alone, in both our blessings and our suffering. If I just scold myself to "just be grateful for what you have" that will only lead to shame and guilt and doesn't help me come to a greater place of healing and freedom. The same healing and freedom that enables us to be there for one another.

So I am sad but hopeful. I don't know how many children God wants us to have. Does He have a specific will for our family regarding that? Will He change my husband's heart? My heart? Hopefully, continually, both of our hearts, to love one another above ourselves (yikes, I so fail at that!) and seek to understand each other in our differing desires. To let go or to hold on to this desire in my heart.

But I wonder if this is affecting my weight loss this last month. And I wonder why I'm not able to do this just for myself?

It feels so good to have written this. As if weight has been lifted, just in writing. I need to keep writing. No matter how my weight loss journey is going.

So I begin a new month. My third month.

Back on track Monday

Was off diet all weekend visiting family out of town. Tomorrow morning should be another interesting weigh-in. And then back on track this week! What do I want this week?

1) No more diet sodas. It's affecting my water intake. And just not good for me.
2) Keep track of what I'm eating.
3) Stick to nursing mom Take Shape For Life program - no more, no less.
4) Eat every 2-3 hours.

I can do anything for a week, right? One week at a time. Following the above I believe will lead to greater weight loss this week. Last weeks weigh in, I lost one pound. Quite different from the 6 pounds I lost the first week on the 5 and 1 plan. But I am happy on the nursing mom's program. It's slower weight loss but where I need to be right now while still nursing my daughter.

I need to keep my eye on my goal and remember why I am doing this. One week at a time...

on the eve of another weigh in

Weigh in tomorrow will reveal much. First week on the nursing mom program and it's been too easy of a
 transition. It is a lot more lenient than the 5 and 1 plan. Along with 3 Medifast meals (bars, shakes, etc.) I can have 2 servings of whole grains, 3 servings of dairy, 2 servings of lean meat and unlimited fruits and veggies. That is a huge jump from the scarcity of the 5 and 1 plan. And I feel like when I'm given an inch, I take a mile. As the week went on, I wasn't keeping track (on paper) what I was eating. I was keeping track in my head, but not writing it down. I started drinking diet soda, which, really and truly, I don't want to do. Yes, it's better than regular soda but I don't need it. And I felt like it was affecting my water intake. Also, I'm probably not eating as often as I should. On the 5 and 1 plan, I was hungry all the time and felt like I was constantly aware of the time and anxious to get to at least 2 hours so I could eat again. On this plan, I get to 3 hours and say, oh yeah, I need to eat. Does that mean I'm eating too much?

After I wrote my last post where I confessed to eating chinese food Friday evening, I realized that I'm struggling on this diet and need some support. It was after midnight so too late to call my health coach, so I decided to do a google search for blogs of people doing medifast or take shape for life. I found several that were interesting. Some have already reached their goal weight, some are just starting like me, some are plugging along somewhere in the middle. But it was encouraging and inspirational for me to read. I look forward to following the blogs and hopefully connecting with some of the bloggers.

So tomorrow... we shall see.

Celebrating

I feel like something is missing... how about 6 pounds of me!!! Gone, just like that, in one week! First week weigh-in this morning and I could hardly believe my eyes - 197! Remember when I was feeling so ambivalent about finally breaking 200? Not anymore. It feels so good! It has been a very long time and I can feel my body thanking me. What a fantastic reward for a very challenging first week.

Also, losing 6 pounds in one week is CRAZY!?! No wonder I was feeling so hungry and tired and grumpy! Definitely a confirmation for me that I made the right switch by starting this diet for nursing moms. The weight loss will be slower week to week but way more doable and way more healthy while I'm still nursing my little one. I've been on it now for 2 days and feeling so much better - no headaches, less hunger, more energy. I have found the right fit for me. 

One week down, six pounds lost. Six is a significant number for me regarding my weight loss story. Part of my story includes an eating disorder. And the number six back then was 6% body fat. But that's for another post. 

Tonight I celebrate. Feeling very grateful. I am on the right path. And that much closer to the healthy woman I want to be.

How should we celebrate tonight?! Join me! 

"Hey! News flash: this number does not determine your beauty or worth... You are more!"

new direction, new start, new hope

Several things have been helpful about this diet. I am drinking more water. I am learning how much I eat mindlessly - not because I'm hungry but because it's there or I'm bored or I'm stressed. But this Take Shape for Life diet is teaching me to be more aware of my hunger. It has made me more conscious of eating because of inside cues (my body telling me I'm hungry) rather than outside cues (finishing food off kid's plates, watching TV, my husband is eating, what the clock says, etc). Tonight for my lean and green meal, I ate half of it and started to feel full. And I wanted to keep eating because that's what I used to do and it tasted good and I just wanted to finish it! But I stopped. I can have leftovers tomorrow.

I'm learning to feed myself when I am hungry and stop when I am full. 

I eat every 2-3 hours on this diet. This is very good for me. So often, before, I would get busy and distracted with the kids and too much time would go by and then I'm starved and grumpy and head-achy and not in the best position to make healthy food choices.

So, today is day 4 (not counting day one (Monday) and then day two off program due to migraine). It has been another rough day. I have been struggling with hunger so much. I'll have a medifast meal and then within the hour, my stomach is growling. And today I just felt more and more sad, for no reason.

Although this helped...

I could not do this diet, in fact, would not still be doing this diet, without the help of health coaches. This truly is the best part of the program. A couple conversations with health coaches today helped me tremendously in figuring out which direction to go from here. I realized that I have been so hungry for a reason. Yes, diets are a struggle in the beginning. Headaches, fatigue, irritability is normal. But this felt more than that. My body was telling me that my baby and I are needing more calories. I'm not getting enough calories with how much I'm nursing my baby. So starting tomorrow, I switch to the program for nursing moms. I won't lose weight as quickly (1-2 lbs/week vs. 2-5 lbs/week) but that is healthier, especially with nursing.

I am grateful I can still stay on this program. For whatever reason, I have not been able to lose this weight on my own. This is what I need to lose this weight right now. And hopefully, I will be less hungry (grumpy), have more energy, and be more enjoyable to be around! It also feels good because this will no longer be just a diet I'm on for a period of time to lose the weight, but a new lifestyle of eating that I can sustain. I'm going with my gut here and saying this is the right direction for me. My gut, and the fact that once I decided to do this, I burst into tears of relief!

So tomorrow I begin, again.

Rough Start

This might be a beautiful journey I'm on, but the first couple days are not pretty.

Of course I had to begin my diet when my baby girl is getting 4 teeth in at once and therefore nursing crazy amounts for comfort. I'm supposed to go 2-3 hours between eating but could barely make it 2 hours I was so hungry. It's much different this time around, doing this while I am nursing. It's a pretty accurate picture of the struggle to balance me as a woman vs. me as a mother. These past 5 years, the scales have been leaning more towards me as a mother, which is ok. My kiddos are young. They won't always be so dependent and needy and as they make their way into the world, away from me, I will miss these days. But right now, I do feel that losing this weight is important. So I am grateful to have a health coach to call on to help me figure this out. (There are some snacks I can have on this diet... handful of almonds, pickles, black olives, Tbsp of peanut butter, etc. Sometimes my baby girl is going to nurse more and I'm going to need something to tide me over til my next meal).

Day 1 was rough trying to figure all this out and feeling so hungry and tired (part of it I'm sure DETOX from all the junk I've been feeding my body). Which led to day 2 migraine, complete with not being able to stomach changing my daughter's dirty diaper and not making it to the bathroom to throw up. Yep, all over the living room floor. My son was behind me and stopped in his tracks. (he'll be talking about this for a good long time). I turned to him and said, "guess I didn't make it to the toilet, did I?" "Nope," he said. Then I ran into the bathroom to finish the job (this time in the toilet). While I'm puking, I hear my son in the living room coughing and I'm thinking, oh great, he's throwing up too? I call (weakly) to him, "are you ok?
"Yes, Mommy. I guess both of us are throwing up." Which gets me out of the bathroom pretty quick. Where is my 20 month old? I have terrible thoughts of her walking through (slipping on) my throw up all over the living room floor as well as many other things she could be doing involving my throw up that I will leave to the imagination. Luckily my son was smart enough to shut her behind the gate so she couldn't get into the living room (what a brilliant quick-thinking son I have). And no, my son wasn't really throwing up but just pretending to, thank God.

At this point, I'm on my knees, cleaning up puke, lightheaded, my migraine pounding me, two children dependent on me, and my husband out of town all day on business. I can't stomach the medifast food, just smelling it makes me heave. And at this point, (yep, day 2) I am DONE with this diet. I can't live like this and care for two small children. Day 2 and I'm off the diet. My mom comes to save the day and  I crawl to bed. When I can eat, I nibble on toast and  manage some spoonfuls of applesauce. My husband is able to come home an hour early and takes the kids to the park and out to dinner so I can rest. And after 12 hours, my migraine subsides, and exhausted but pain-free, I decide, ok, tomorrow I will try again.

And today has been much better. When I can't make it to 3 hours because of nursing, I have a Tbsp of peanut butter or chew gum or have some almonds and remember to keep up my water intake (goal is to drink 64 oz/day). I'm less hungry today than I was day 1. Tonight, as day 3 is winding down, I'm more tired than usual and so listening to my body and taking it easy. I'm just glad to have started; to be 3 days in now.

It is a relief to have begun.

So I keep moving forward, one meal at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time. Apologies to my children for having to endure a grumpy, irritable, and puking Momma days 1 and 2 (they're so forgiving). And much gratitude to my mom and husband for caring for the kids when I was unable and to my health coach for keeping me on this path and helping me figure out how to best continue this while nursing my little one. (The woman me vs. mommy me balancing act.)

So here I am... starting weight 203. Goal is to lose 50 lbs. It has begun.

My "before" picture 

Last supper

5 days until I begin my diet and I'm afraid my mindset has been on all the things I won't be able to have beginning next week (dairy, soda, fruit, popcorn, pumpkin bread, donuts, chai lattes, etc). Karyn (my health coach/ friend) tells me that it's not about what I can't have but what I am adding to my life : nutrition, energy, health, etc. Maybe I will get there but right now I'm in the glass half empty mentality.

Today I catch myself thinking, we have to go to the pumpkin patch before next week so I can have a donut and apple cider (for the kids of course!). And suddenly our house smells like a bakery and I'm making pumpkin chocolate cookies and cranberry breads. How can I go without these Fall delights?!? It's as if I'm preparing for my last meal and am about to go down to the gas chambers. Or my last supper and I'm about to be hung on a cross. I realize it's a bit ridiculous when I state it that way but I think it only reveals how much power this food has over me and how much I have been relying on them to change my mood or lessen my stress or stuff down some pain. Has it become an addiction? I've been trying to go off soda and fast food now for how long? And I keep going back to it - even though I know it's bad for me and only leads to weight gain. Perhaps it's become a habit. Perhaps it's became a dependence for a quick feel good. All will be revealed very quickly next week when I am without these things.

It's quite shameful actually. With all the hunger in the world today and I'm whining over not being able to eat sweets. I could use some dying to my self and some death to the excess. I could use some space for hunger and emptiness in my life. And I could use some self-kindness in the ways I choose to eat these last days.

Beginning steps

So I'm really doing this. I ordered my Medifast food this evening through Take Shape For Life. It should arrive on time to begin the first of Oct. Thanks to my friend and health coach Karyn Harrison who was with me (for me!) two years ago when I lost 30 pounds and who I know will continue to support me and be there for me and keep me accountable this time as well.

This evening I am hopeful. I am relieved. Relieved to have a plan in place and a starting date. I can do this. It will be a struggle because my eating right now is so out of control, but most things in life, if they are worth anything, will be a struggle. I am okay with struggle, especially when I will be getting so much in return for it. And my husband and my children deserve this. I deserve this. I am worth this. I am worth so much more than Big Macs and Doritoes and candy bars and soda. I wouldn't feed that junk to my children, why am I ok feeding it to myself?

I'm excited to begin.

A little help

So, I made a decision. I'm going back on Medifast to lose this weight. I lost 30 pounds doing Medifast through Take Shape for Life in 2010 before getting pregnant with my second child. It's time to go back. I don't know why I have not been able to do it on my own. Am I lazy? Have no will power? No self-discipline? Is it because of my life stage right now with two little ones and little sleep? Whatever the reason(s), I have decided to stop fighting it and just get help. Why continue on my own when it's not working and only leading to guilt, shame, and frustration?

I want to give a shout out to a blog I just discovered who helped in inspiring me to go back on Medifast. Allison has been blogging on O My Family about her 30 + lb weight loss. She also is nursing her little one and writes about her experience on the Medifast Nursing Mothers Program, as well as her "total motherhood experience" with two little ones, marriage, faith, etc. Thankful to have discovered her blog and looking forward to following it. To be honest, and that's what I strive to be on this blog, when I first was reading her Medifast weight loss journey I was jealous - jealous that she's already 9 months in and all the weight she has lost when I am just beginning. But then I thought, you know what, no, I don't need to go there. There is enough envy and comparison and self-hatred going around, especially between women. You know what we as a community of women need more of - encouraging and celebrating one another, all the more so when we want something they have.

So when my first shipment of Medifast food arrives, I'll be raising my first glass (shake) to Allison and others in this process of getting healthy. Because losing weight is never easy. It's never just about dropping pounds. There's so much emotion involved. There's this whole relationship we have with food and exercise and beauty and beliefs we have about our body-image and our self-worth that gets all stirred up when we go about trying to lose weight. We get on the scale and we stand in front of the mirror when what we're really doing is facing ourselves. And that can be very difficult, especially when we've been avoiding it for some time.

So I begin again. October 1. Stay tuned.

Ambivalence and sabotage

I'm very ambivalent about starting this. I'm eating a cupcake while I write this. If I want to lose this weight, I know I have to live differently this very day. I have learned, with long term goals, the results may be long coming but this very day matters. If I want to reach my goal of losing 50 pounds, I have to make different choices this very day about how I treat my body and what I put into my body. I have to make different choices about how much I move and push my body. And how I deal with stress and fatigue and my emotions.

I have not allowed myself to get below 200 pounds. And I intentionally write, "have not allowed" rather than "have not been able" because, when I am honest, truly I am controlling this. I'm just not sure why. I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to lose this baby weight for several months now and anytime I get close to dropping below 200 pounds, I sabotage. I have it in my mind that once I lose these ten pounds or so to dip below 200, I don't ever want to see that number again when I step onto the scale. So I find myself doing a dance around this number. I get to 201 and spend the week drinking soda and eating fast food and gain a few pounds back.

I was 165 pounds when I became pregnant with my first child in 2006. I gained about 40 pounds with that pregnancy and was not really able to lose it til my son was 3 and my husband and I wanted to start trying for baby #2. I wanted to be at a healthier weight before I got pregnant again so I went on Medifast and lost 30 pounds and became pregnant with my daughter when I weighed 170.  Again I gained about 40 pounds with this pregnancy and now my daughter is 20 months and I'm struggling to lose this baby weight. Wanting to be healthier for another pregnancy was my weight loss motivator in the past. This time, can I do this for myself?