I'm dancing around the same numbers on
the scale these weeks. And I have my own (poor) choices to blame. It is not working for me to try to lose this weight for something that may or may not happen in the future. Especially something so emotionally laden. We are not trying for another baby right now because I am not at a healthy weight. (At least that's what I tell myself. This makes me feel like I am in control; something I like very much. But lurking in the back of my mind is the fear - what if I lose the weight, and still no baby? Who knew there would be so many psychological barriers to losing weight? I want to lose weight, right? Yes, of course. And no. Not if it means I have to face the grief of not having any more babies growing in my belly.
I recently bought Chasing Silhouettes by Emily Wierenga. It is the story of Emily's battle with an eating disorder and advice on how to help a loved one battling the disease. I read the book for (at least) two reasons: One, as a mental health professional, I work with girls and women struggling with eating disorders.
Two, it's a part of my own story.
I relate to Emily as a writer, a mother, a woman, a believer, a daughter and an eating disorder survivor (ongoing). Emily writes about being able to eat more healthy when she was pregnant. She found it easier to justify eating with a baby inside her. She writes, "As a former anorexic walking in renewal, I would highly recommend eating as though there were a child living inside you, until you're able to love yourself enough to eat for you..."
I also eat so much more healthy when I am pregnant or trying to conceive. But it's not working for me to stay motivated in this current weight loss journey by focusing on a future pregnancy that may or may not ever happen. It struck me when Emily went on to say that there are people in her life who rely on her to be healthy. Yes! As a mom and a wife, my family needs me to be healthy, right now, this very night in the choices I make.
I remember working with a therapist when I was in the throes of my eating disorder and she said something that became a turning point for me. It was quite simple and quite profound all at the same time. She said, "You will let go of your eating disorder when you allow other things to become more important."
What am I allowing to be more important than my health and my family? Will I let go of control and fear enough to allow for more trust, more obedience, more healing? Will I allow this again to be a turning point?
I can choose to be healthy right now. For my family. And for my future.
