A not so good month

I have lost a total of 14 pounds since beginning Take Shape for Life two months ago. It's been so rewarding seeing the numbers drop on the scale. But November was not a good weight loss month. It's been over a month since I've posted, which I'm sure speaks volumes...

October I lost 10 pounds. November I only lost 4.

It's very easy to say that this is just a difficult time of year to lose weight, what with the holidays and all. But seriously, when is it an easy time of year to lose weight? Losing a significant amount of weight is just hard, no matter the season. And obviously I haven't been making good food choices and haven't been sticking to the diet. If I was, I would be having better results.

The problem is, I haven't been doing this for myself. I've been doing this for someone else. Someone who isn't even born (yet?) Someone who may never be born. A dream that I don't know will ever come true. Truth is, my "silent" goal has been to lose weight and be at a healthier weight in the hopes of becoming pregnant again. I lost 30 pounds in the months before I became pregnant with my second child. This time, my husband and I are not on the same page. He is ready to be done at two. And his concerns and his points of view are extremely logical and legit. That doesn't change the fact that when I think about not being pregnant again and not having any more kids, I feel deeply sad. Which, I know, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm supposed to have more kids. I don't live out of a philosophy that I should get what I want, when I want it because it makes me happy (or not sad). I am called to holiness, not necessarily happiness.

And yet, I am happy. I am blessed. I have two amazing children. I adore them and am so grateful to be their mom. At the same time, I was created as a complex being (i.e. woman). I can be blessed and want more. I can have and have not. I can be content and filled with longing. All at the same time.

I have several friends who are pregnant right now: one with her first, one with her third, one with her sixth. I also have several friends who are unable to have kids due to physical issues or circumstances that keep them from having the family they are longing for. I celebrate with my pregnant friends and hurt with my friends struggling with infertility and I find myself someplace in the middle.

It's ok for me to be sad. To be grieving. To be struggling with this. There are others in a season of heavier burdens. Others carrying lighter loads. We all have our own weight to carry. And at the same time, we are to bear one another's burdens. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I can't rejoice with you or weep with you, if I'm not allowed to fully experience my own joy and sorrow. I will not be able to truly offer the kind of celebration or comfort that helps all of us feel not so alone, in both our blessings and our suffering. If I just scold myself to "just be grateful for what you have" that will only lead to shame and guilt and doesn't help me come to a greater place of healing and freedom. The same healing and freedom that enables us to be there for one another.

So I am sad but hopeful. I don't know how many children God wants us to have. Does He have a specific will for our family regarding that? Will He change my husband's heart? My heart? Hopefully, continually, both of our hearts, to love one another above ourselves (yikes, I so fail at that!) and seek to understand each other in our differing desires. To let go or to hold on to this desire in my heart.

But I wonder if this is affecting my weight loss this last month. And I wonder why I'm not able to do this just for myself?

It feels so good to have written this. As if weight has been lifted, just in writing. I need to keep writing. No matter how my weight loss journey is going.

So I begin a new month. My third month.

One month

It has been one month since I started the Take Shape for Life Nursing Mom's Medifast program and I am down a pants size and have lost 10 pounds! Saying goodbye to these 10 pounds feels so great. How fantastic it would be if I continued to lose 10 pounds/month! That would mean only 4 more months to meet my goal?!? That feels like no time at all. Even if it takes longer, it just feels good to have begun and to see the weight dropping. Seeing those beautiful numbers on the scale that I haven't seen in so long and my clothes getting baggy is such great motivation to keep on track tonight when I've had a rough evening and I just want to eat Halloween candy. I've decided to eat a Medifast chocolate caramel nut bar instead and do some blogging. Much more emotionally and nutritionally satisfying.

Back on track Monday

Was off diet all weekend visiting family out of town. Tomorrow morning should be another interesting weigh-in. And then back on track this week! What do I want this week?

1) No more diet sodas. It's affecting my water intake. And just not good for me.
2) Keep track of what I'm eating.
3) Stick to nursing mom Take Shape For Life program - no more, no less.
4) Eat every 2-3 hours.

I can do anything for a week, right? One week at a time. Following the above I believe will lead to greater weight loss this week. Last weeks weigh in, I lost one pound. Quite different from the 6 pounds I lost the first week on the 5 and 1 plan. But I am happy on the nursing mom's program. It's slower weight loss but where I need to be right now while still nursing my daughter.

I need to keep my eye on my goal and remember why I am doing this. One week at a time...

on the eve of another weigh in

Weigh in tomorrow will reveal much. First week on the nursing mom program and it's been too easy of a
 transition. It is a lot more lenient than the 5 and 1 plan. Along with 3 Medifast meals (bars, shakes, etc.) I can have 2 servings of whole grains, 3 servings of dairy, 2 servings of lean meat and unlimited fruits and veggies. That is a huge jump from the scarcity of the 5 and 1 plan. And I feel like when I'm given an inch, I take a mile. As the week went on, I wasn't keeping track (on paper) what I was eating. I was keeping track in my head, but not writing it down. I started drinking diet soda, which, really and truly, I don't want to do. Yes, it's better than regular soda but I don't need it. And I felt like it was affecting my water intake. Also, I'm probably not eating as often as I should. On the 5 and 1 plan, I was hungry all the time and felt like I was constantly aware of the time and anxious to get to at least 2 hours so I could eat again. On this plan, I get to 3 hours and say, oh yeah, I need to eat. Does that mean I'm eating too much?

After I wrote my last post where I confessed to eating chinese food Friday evening, I realized that I'm struggling on this diet and need some support. It was after midnight so too late to call my health coach, so I decided to do a google search for blogs of people doing medifast or take shape for life. I found several that were interesting. Some have already reached their goal weight, some are just starting like me, some are plugging along somewhere in the middle. But it was encouraging and inspirational for me to read. I look forward to following the blogs and hopefully connecting with some of the bloggers.

So tomorrow... we shall see.

new direction, new start, new hope

Several things have been helpful about this diet. I am drinking more water. I am learning how much I eat mindlessly - not because I'm hungry but because it's there or I'm bored or I'm stressed. But this Take Shape for Life diet is teaching me to be more aware of my hunger. It has made me more conscious of eating because of inside cues (my body telling me I'm hungry) rather than outside cues (finishing food off kid's plates, watching TV, my husband is eating, what the clock says, etc). Tonight for my lean and green meal, I ate half of it and started to feel full. And I wanted to keep eating because that's what I used to do and it tasted good and I just wanted to finish it! But I stopped. I can have leftovers tomorrow.

I'm learning to feed myself when I am hungry and stop when I am full. 

I eat every 2-3 hours on this diet. This is very good for me. So often, before, I would get busy and distracted with the kids and too much time would go by and then I'm starved and grumpy and head-achy and not in the best position to make healthy food choices.

So, today is day 4 (not counting day one (Monday) and then day two off program due to migraine). It has been another rough day. I have been struggling with hunger so much. I'll have a medifast meal and then within the hour, my stomach is growling. And today I just felt more and more sad, for no reason.

Although this helped...

I could not do this diet, in fact, would not still be doing this diet, without the help of health coaches. This truly is the best part of the program. A couple conversations with health coaches today helped me tremendously in figuring out which direction to go from here. I realized that I have been so hungry for a reason. Yes, diets are a struggle in the beginning. Headaches, fatigue, irritability is normal. But this felt more than that. My body was telling me that my baby and I are needing more calories. I'm not getting enough calories with how much I'm nursing my baby. So starting tomorrow, I switch to the program for nursing moms. I won't lose weight as quickly (1-2 lbs/week vs. 2-5 lbs/week) but that is healthier, especially with nursing.

I am grateful I can still stay on this program. For whatever reason, I have not been able to lose this weight on my own. This is what I need to lose this weight right now. And hopefully, I will be less hungry (grumpy), have more energy, and be more enjoyable to be around! It also feels good because this will no longer be just a diet I'm on for a period of time to lose the weight, but a new lifestyle of eating that I can sustain. I'm going with my gut here and saying this is the right direction for me. My gut, and the fact that once I decided to do this, I burst into tears of relief!

So tomorrow I begin, again.

Beginning steps

So I'm really doing this. I ordered my Medifast food this evening through Take Shape For Life. It should arrive on time to begin the first of Oct. Thanks to my friend and health coach Karyn Harrison who was with me (for me!) two years ago when I lost 30 pounds and who I know will continue to support me and be there for me and keep me accountable this time as well.

This evening I am hopeful. I am relieved. Relieved to have a plan in place and a starting date. I can do this. It will be a struggle because my eating right now is so out of control, but most things in life, if they are worth anything, will be a struggle. I am okay with struggle, especially when I will be getting so much in return for it. And my husband and my children deserve this. I deserve this. I am worth this. I am worth so much more than Big Macs and Doritoes and candy bars and soda. I wouldn't feed that junk to my children, why am I ok feeding it to myself?

I'm excited to begin.

A little help

So, I made a decision. I'm going back on Medifast to lose this weight. I lost 30 pounds doing Medifast through Take Shape for Life in 2010 before getting pregnant with my second child. It's time to go back. I don't know why I have not been able to do it on my own. Am I lazy? Have no will power? No self-discipline? Is it because of my life stage right now with two little ones and little sleep? Whatever the reason(s), I have decided to stop fighting it and just get help. Why continue on my own when it's not working and only leading to guilt, shame, and frustration?

I want to give a shout out to a blog I just discovered who helped in inspiring me to go back on Medifast. Allison has been blogging on O My Family about her 30 + lb weight loss. She also is nursing her little one and writes about her experience on the Medifast Nursing Mothers Program, as well as her "total motherhood experience" with two little ones, marriage, faith, etc. Thankful to have discovered her blog and looking forward to following it. To be honest, and that's what I strive to be on this blog, when I first was reading her Medifast weight loss journey I was jealous - jealous that she's already 9 months in and all the weight she has lost when I am just beginning. But then I thought, you know what, no, I don't need to go there. There is enough envy and comparison and self-hatred going around, especially between women. You know what we as a community of women need more of - encouraging and celebrating one another, all the more so when we want something they have.

So when my first shipment of Medifast food arrives, I'll be raising my first glass (shake) to Allison and others in this process of getting healthy. Because losing weight is never easy. It's never just about dropping pounds. There's so much emotion involved. There's this whole relationship we have with food and exercise and beauty and beliefs we have about our body-image and our self-worth that gets all stirred up when we go about trying to lose weight. We get on the scale and we stand in front of the mirror when what we're really doing is facing ourselves. And that can be very difficult, especially when we've been avoiding it for some time.

So I begin again. October 1. Stay tuned.