A not so good month

I have lost a total of 14 pounds since beginning Take Shape for Life two months ago. It's been so rewarding seeing the numbers drop on the scale. But November was not a good weight loss month. It's been over a month since I've posted, which I'm sure speaks volumes...

October I lost 10 pounds. November I only lost 4.

It's very easy to say that this is just a difficult time of year to lose weight, what with the holidays and all. But seriously, when is it an easy time of year to lose weight? Losing a significant amount of weight is just hard, no matter the season. And obviously I haven't been making good food choices and haven't been sticking to the diet. If I was, I would be having better results.

The problem is, I haven't been doing this for myself. I've been doing this for someone else. Someone who isn't even born (yet?) Someone who may never be born. A dream that I don't know will ever come true. Truth is, my "silent" goal has been to lose weight and be at a healthier weight in the hopes of becoming pregnant again. I lost 30 pounds in the months before I became pregnant with my second child. This time, my husband and I are not on the same page. He is ready to be done at two. And his concerns and his points of view are extremely logical and legit. That doesn't change the fact that when I think about not being pregnant again and not having any more kids, I feel deeply sad. Which, I know, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm supposed to have more kids. I don't live out of a philosophy that I should get what I want, when I want it because it makes me happy (or not sad). I am called to holiness, not necessarily happiness.

And yet, I am happy. I am blessed. I have two amazing children. I adore them and am so grateful to be their mom. At the same time, I was created as a complex being (i.e. woman). I can be blessed and want more. I can have and have not. I can be content and filled with longing. All at the same time.

I have several friends who are pregnant right now: one with her first, one with her third, one with her sixth. I also have several friends who are unable to have kids due to physical issues or circumstances that keep them from having the family they are longing for. I celebrate with my pregnant friends and hurt with my friends struggling with infertility and I find myself someplace in the middle.

It's ok for me to be sad. To be grieving. To be struggling with this. There are others in a season of heavier burdens. Others carrying lighter loads. We all have our own weight to carry. And at the same time, we are to bear one another's burdens. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I can't rejoice with you or weep with you, if I'm not allowed to fully experience my own joy and sorrow. I will not be able to truly offer the kind of celebration or comfort that helps all of us feel not so alone, in both our blessings and our suffering. If I just scold myself to "just be grateful for what you have" that will only lead to shame and guilt and doesn't help me come to a greater place of healing and freedom. The same healing and freedom that enables us to be there for one another.

So I am sad but hopeful. I don't know how many children God wants us to have. Does He have a specific will for our family regarding that? Will He change my husband's heart? My heart? Hopefully, continually, both of our hearts, to love one another above ourselves (yikes, I so fail at that!) and seek to understand each other in our differing desires. To let go or to hold on to this desire in my heart.

But I wonder if this is affecting my weight loss this last month. And I wonder why I'm not able to do this just for myself?

It feels so good to have written this. As if weight has been lifted, just in writing. I need to keep writing. No matter how my weight loss journey is going.

So I begin a new month. My third month.

A struggle and a conviction

Today has been a bit of a struggle. Not so much physically, although I certainly get hungry between meals and I am more tired than I normally would be. That certainly contributes to my struggle, but more so I am struggling mentally. I feel discouraged when I think about the MONTHS that I will be eating this way. I feel resentful when I think about the approaching holidays and all the foods I will not be eating. No worries, I'm not struggling with whether I will continue with this diet. I am in this for the long haul. I know, in the end, it will be worth it. I know, when I have my first weigh in on Monday, it will be worth it. If I want to get to a healthier weight, this is the only way for me right now. If I was not doing this, I would be drinking soda and eating fast food this very day. So yes, it is good that I am doing this. Today is just hard.

Friday night used to be Chinese food and a movie date night with my husband after the kids were in bed. I'd usually get beef and broccoli and an egg roll and have a cherry coke or a pepsi. In a word, happiness. Tonight for my lean and green meal I made scrambled eggs with black olives and onions and red peppers. It was good. It was no Chinese. And I certainly didn't get the full, satisfied feeling I get after eating Chinese food. I'm seeing how much I seek happiness (comfort) from food. I haven't been craving any foods. I haven't even been craving soda like I thought I would. What I am craving is that full satisfied feeling after eating.

So, confession time: for lunch today I had 2 medifast meals... I thought I'd try the chili and quickly discovered it  is not a favorite medifast meal. My daughter had nursed quite a bit throughout the morning and I was tired and feeling like a headache was coming on and honestly, the chili was quite disappointing. I was heading out to Target and grabbed a ready-made shake that was chilling in the fridge. I drank it as I drove and as I finished it I felt something I haven't felt since starting this diet: I felt full. And I thought, oh boy, this probably wasn't a good idea. Is my stomach stretching? I'm not sure how, but I'm probably gonna pay for this later.

And then, I'm getting off the ramp for Target and there on the corner is an older man wearing tattered clothes holding up a cardboard sign that says, "need food. will work." I am instantly convicted. And I can't look at him. I don't know his story. I don't know if it's all a con. But it doesn't really matter. Yes, there are lots of resources in our area for those who are hungry and those who are looking for work. But I just drove by another human being standing on the side of the road, begging for food and for work, as I am finishing off two medifast meals. And the problem isn't so much that I had 2 medifast meals in one sitting. The problem is that it caused me to turn away and not offer my face, my smile, my eyes, my kindness to another human being.

I know it's like applying a band-aid to the cancer of such huge issues of poverty and unemployment and homelessness that this man represents. But at Target I bought a bottled water and a packet of peanut butter crackers to give to this man. As I drove by the ramp on my way home, he was no longer there but I will keep it in my car for next time and for a reminder to myself. How long has it been since this man has been comforted by food (or another human being)? Since he's had a full satisfied feeling in his belly? And not just him but others - young, old, children - who don't know when or where they will be getting their next meal.

There are no simple, quick fixes. But I know for myself, as soon as I start to feel a hunger gnawing in my belly, I want to fill it. There's nothing wrong with Friday night Chinese food date night with my husband. One day, we'll be able to do that again. But for today, I'm starting to get a little more comfortable with my hunger; and a little more open to what it has to teach me.

Beginning steps

So I'm really doing this. I ordered my Medifast food this evening through Take Shape For Life. It should arrive on time to begin the first of Oct. Thanks to my friend and health coach Karyn Harrison who was with me (for me!) two years ago when I lost 30 pounds and who I know will continue to support me and be there for me and keep me accountable this time as well.

This evening I am hopeful. I am relieved. Relieved to have a plan in place and a starting date. I can do this. It will be a struggle because my eating right now is so out of control, but most things in life, if they are worth anything, will be a struggle. I am okay with struggle, especially when I will be getting so much in return for it. And my husband and my children deserve this. I deserve this. I am worth this. I am worth so much more than Big Macs and Doritoes and candy bars and soda. I wouldn't feed that junk to my children, why am I ok feeding it to myself?

I'm excited to begin.