Living Intentionally

I met all my weight loss goals for today: no fast food, no sweets/desserts, at least 20 minutes of exercise (25 minutes on elliptical). I didn't drink 64 oz of water but definitely drank more than I usually do. I have found that if I want to lose this weight, I need to diet intentionally. It works for me to set my goals the night before. It works for me to set short term goals (for a day, for a week) for surely I can eat differently and fit in exercise for just one day (or week).

It was my dad who taught me about the power of playing mind games on myself. He was an avid runner and played many a mind game on himself throughout his years of training for marathons and triathlons. Many weekends as a teenager we would run together. Saturday mornings were our "long runs"
(the longest I ever ran was 13 miles!!). He taught me how to keep on when I wanted to give up. I would look for something up the road and tell myself, I can walk once I get to the next mailbox. And once I got to the mailbox, I would tell myself, well, I made it here, I can go til the next mailbox. And on and on I would go til I finished what I intended on running for the day.

So it is with dieting. Surely I can go just one day without sweets. Surely I can find 20 minutes of my day to exercise. And today, I did. And it feels great, which is good motivation, to do it again tomorrow.

Goals for tomorrow (Thursday, March 7): no fast food, no sweets/desserts (other than Medifast), 64 oz of water, at least 20 minutes of exercise.

True Confessions

I had Chinese for dinner tonight. That's totally not on the Medifast diet, not even the nursing mothers diet. And you know what? It was GOOD! I had beef and broccoli with just a little rice. And as soon as I started to feel a little full, I stopped. (Might need to have my husband eat the leftovers). I don't know how this will effect the scale on Monday. I don't know if I will regret this tomorrow. But what I'm not doing is having an egg roll with my beef and broccoli. I'm not having cherry coke and fast food and pizza. I'm not having any of the brownies my son made for the fire department open house. I'm not having Starbuck's chai latte when I went to Target today. I'm not having Halloween candy. I'm not having the spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread I made for my family for dinner last night. I'm not having buttered popcorn and M&M's while I watched Breaking Bad tonight. I'm not having pumpkin donuts and apple cider (oh how I miss you!).

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

A struggle and a conviction

Today has been a bit of a struggle. Not so much physically, although I certainly get hungry between meals and I am more tired than I normally would be. That certainly contributes to my struggle, but more so I am struggling mentally. I feel discouraged when I think about the MONTHS that I will be eating this way. I feel resentful when I think about the approaching holidays and all the foods I will not be eating. No worries, I'm not struggling with whether I will continue with this diet. I am in this for the long haul. I know, in the end, it will be worth it. I know, when I have my first weigh in on Monday, it will be worth it. If I want to get to a healthier weight, this is the only way for me right now. If I was not doing this, I would be drinking soda and eating fast food this very day. So yes, it is good that I am doing this. Today is just hard.

Friday night used to be Chinese food and a movie date night with my husband after the kids were in bed. I'd usually get beef and broccoli and an egg roll and have a cherry coke or a pepsi. In a word, happiness. Tonight for my lean and green meal I made scrambled eggs with black olives and onions and red peppers. It was good. It was no Chinese. And I certainly didn't get the full, satisfied feeling I get after eating Chinese food. I'm seeing how much I seek happiness (comfort) from food. I haven't been craving any foods. I haven't even been craving soda like I thought I would. What I am craving is that full satisfied feeling after eating.

So, confession time: for lunch today I had 2 medifast meals... I thought I'd try the chili and quickly discovered it  is not a favorite medifast meal. My daughter had nursed quite a bit throughout the morning and I was tired and feeling like a headache was coming on and honestly, the chili was quite disappointing. I was heading out to Target and grabbed a ready-made shake that was chilling in the fridge. I drank it as I drove and as I finished it I felt something I haven't felt since starting this diet: I felt full. And I thought, oh boy, this probably wasn't a good idea. Is my stomach stretching? I'm not sure how, but I'm probably gonna pay for this later.

And then, I'm getting off the ramp for Target and there on the corner is an older man wearing tattered clothes holding up a cardboard sign that says, "need food. will work." I am instantly convicted. And I can't look at him. I don't know his story. I don't know if it's all a con. But it doesn't really matter. Yes, there are lots of resources in our area for those who are hungry and those who are looking for work. But I just drove by another human being standing on the side of the road, begging for food and for work, as I am finishing off two medifast meals. And the problem isn't so much that I had 2 medifast meals in one sitting. The problem is that it caused me to turn away and not offer my face, my smile, my eyes, my kindness to another human being.

I know it's like applying a band-aid to the cancer of such huge issues of poverty and unemployment and homelessness that this man represents. But at Target I bought a bottled water and a packet of peanut butter crackers to give to this man. As I drove by the ramp on my way home, he was no longer there but I will keep it in my car for next time and for a reminder to myself. How long has it been since this man has been comforted by food (or another human being)? Since he's had a full satisfied feeling in his belly? And not just him but others - young, old, children - who don't know when or where they will be getting their next meal.

There are no simple, quick fixes. But I know for myself, as soon as I start to feel a hunger gnawing in my belly, I want to fill it. There's nothing wrong with Friday night Chinese food date night with my husband. One day, we'll be able to do that again. But for today, I'm starting to get a little more comfortable with my hunger; and a little more open to what it has to teach me.

Rough Start

This might be a beautiful journey I'm on, but the first couple days are not pretty.

Of course I had to begin my diet when my baby girl is getting 4 teeth in at once and therefore nursing crazy amounts for comfort. I'm supposed to go 2-3 hours between eating but could barely make it 2 hours I was so hungry. It's much different this time around, doing this while I am nursing. It's a pretty accurate picture of the struggle to balance me as a woman vs. me as a mother. These past 5 years, the scales have been leaning more towards me as a mother, which is ok. My kiddos are young. They won't always be so dependent and needy and as they make their way into the world, away from me, I will miss these days. But right now, I do feel that losing this weight is important. So I am grateful to have a health coach to call on to help me figure this out. (There are some snacks I can have on this diet... handful of almonds, pickles, black olives, Tbsp of peanut butter, etc. Sometimes my baby girl is going to nurse more and I'm going to need something to tide me over til my next meal).

Day 1 was rough trying to figure all this out and feeling so hungry and tired (part of it I'm sure DETOX from all the junk I've been feeding my body). Which led to day 2 migraine, complete with not being able to stomach changing my daughter's dirty diaper and not making it to the bathroom to throw up. Yep, all over the living room floor. My son was behind me and stopped in his tracks. (he'll be talking about this for a good long time). I turned to him and said, "guess I didn't make it to the toilet, did I?" "Nope," he said. Then I ran into the bathroom to finish the job (this time in the toilet). While I'm puking, I hear my son in the living room coughing and I'm thinking, oh great, he's throwing up too? I call (weakly) to him, "are you ok?
"Yes, Mommy. I guess both of us are throwing up." Which gets me out of the bathroom pretty quick. Where is my 20 month old? I have terrible thoughts of her walking through (slipping on) my throw up all over the living room floor as well as many other things she could be doing involving my throw up that I will leave to the imagination. Luckily my son was smart enough to shut her behind the gate so she couldn't get into the living room (what a brilliant quick-thinking son I have). And no, my son wasn't really throwing up but just pretending to, thank God.

At this point, I'm on my knees, cleaning up puke, lightheaded, my migraine pounding me, two children dependent on me, and my husband out of town all day on business. I can't stomach the medifast food, just smelling it makes me heave. And at this point, (yep, day 2) I am DONE with this diet. I can't live like this and care for two small children. Day 2 and I'm off the diet. My mom comes to save the day and  I crawl to bed. When I can eat, I nibble on toast and  manage some spoonfuls of applesauce. My husband is able to come home an hour early and takes the kids to the park and out to dinner so I can rest. And after 12 hours, my migraine subsides, and exhausted but pain-free, I decide, ok, tomorrow I will try again.

And today has been much better. When I can't make it to 3 hours because of nursing, I have a Tbsp of peanut butter or chew gum or have some almonds and remember to keep up my water intake (goal is to drink 64 oz/day). I'm less hungry today than I was day 1. Tonight, as day 3 is winding down, I'm more tired than usual and so listening to my body and taking it easy. I'm just glad to have started; to be 3 days in now.

It is a relief to have begun.

So I keep moving forward, one meal at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time. Apologies to my children for having to endure a grumpy, irritable, and puking Momma days 1 and 2 (they're so forgiving). And much gratitude to my mom and husband for caring for the kids when I was unable and to my health coach for keeping me on this path and helping me figure out how to best continue this while nursing my little one. (The woman me vs. mommy me balancing act.)

So here I am... starting weight 203. Goal is to lose 50 lbs. It has begun.

My "before" picture