A struggle and a conviction

Today has been a bit of a struggle. Not so much physically, although I certainly get hungry between meals and I am more tired than I normally would be. That certainly contributes to my struggle, but more so I am struggling mentally. I feel discouraged when I think about the MONTHS that I will be eating this way. I feel resentful when I think about the approaching holidays and all the foods I will not be eating. No worries, I'm not struggling with whether I will continue with this diet. I am in this for the long haul. I know, in the end, it will be worth it. I know, when I have my first weigh in on Monday, it will be worth it. If I want to get to a healthier weight, this is the only way for me right now. If I was not doing this, I would be drinking soda and eating fast food this very day. So yes, it is good that I am doing this. Today is just hard.

Friday night used to be Chinese food and a movie date night with my husband after the kids were in bed. I'd usually get beef and broccoli and an egg roll and have a cherry coke or a pepsi. In a word, happiness. Tonight for my lean and green meal I made scrambled eggs with black olives and onions and red peppers. It was good. It was no Chinese. And I certainly didn't get the full, satisfied feeling I get after eating Chinese food. I'm seeing how much I seek happiness (comfort) from food. I haven't been craving any foods. I haven't even been craving soda like I thought I would. What I am craving is that full satisfied feeling after eating.

So, confession time: for lunch today I had 2 medifast meals... I thought I'd try the chili and quickly discovered it  is not a favorite medifast meal. My daughter had nursed quite a bit throughout the morning and I was tired and feeling like a headache was coming on and honestly, the chili was quite disappointing. I was heading out to Target and grabbed a ready-made shake that was chilling in the fridge. I drank it as I drove and as I finished it I felt something I haven't felt since starting this diet: I felt full. And I thought, oh boy, this probably wasn't a good idea. Is my stomach stretching? I'm not sure how, but I'm probably gonna pay for this later.

And then, I'm getting off the ramp for Target and there on the corner is an older man wearing tattered clothes holding up a cardboard sign that says, "need food. will work." I am instantly convicted. And I can't look at him. I don't know his story. I don't know if it's all a con. But it doesn't really matter. Yes, there are lots of resources in our area for those who are hungry and those who are looking for work. But I just drove by another human being standing on the side of the road, begging for food and for work, as I am finishing off two medifast meals. And the problem isn't so much that I had 2 medifast meals in one sitting. The problem is that it caused me to turn away and not offer my face, my smile, my eyes, my kindness to another human being.

I know it's like applying a band-aid to the cancer of such huge issues of poverty and unemployment and homelessness that this man represents. But at Target I bought a bottled water and a packet of peanut butter crackers to give to this man. As I drove by the ramp on my way home, he was no longer there but I will keep it in my car for next time and for a reminder to myself. How long has it been since this man has been comforted by food (or another human being)? Since he's had a full satisfied feeling in his belly? And not just him but others - young, old, children - who don't know when or where they will be getting their next meal.

There are no simple, quick fixes. But I know for myself, as soon as I start to feel a hunger gnawing in my belly, I want to fill it. There's nothing wrong with Friday night Chinese food date night with my husband. One day, we'll be able to do that again. But for today, I'm starting to get a little more comfortable with my hunger; and a little more open to what it has to teach me.

Last supper

5 days until I begin my diet and I'm afraid my mindset has been on all the things I won't be able to have beginning next week (dairy, soda, fruit, popcorn, pumpkin bread, donuts, chai lattes, etc). Karyn (my health coach/ friend) tells me that it's not about what I can't have but what I am adding to my life : nutrition, energy, health, etc. Maybe I will get there but right now I'm in the glass half empty mentality.

Today I catch myself thinking, we have to go to the pumpkin patch before next week so I can have a donut and apple cider (for the kids of course!). And suddenly our house smells like a bakery and I'm making pumpkin chocolate cookies and cranberry breads. How can I go without these Fall delights?!? It's as if I'm preparing for my last meal and am about to go down to the gas chambers. Or my last supper and I'm about to be hung on a cross. I realize it's a bit ridiculous when I state it that way but I think it only reveals how much power this food has over me and how much I have been relying on them to change my mood or lessen my stress or stuff down some pain. Has it become an addiction? I've been trying to go off soda and fast food now for how long? And I keep going back to it - even though I know it's bad for me and only leads to weight gain. Perhaps it's become a habit. Perhaps it's became a dependence for a quick feel good. All will be revealed very quickly next week when I am without these things.

It's quite shameful actually. With all the hunger in the world today and I'm whining over not being able to eat sweets. I could use some dying to my self and some death to the excess. I could use some space for hunger and emptiness in my life. And I could use some self-kindness in the ways I choose to eat these last days.